Changing Tides

I didn't think I would let this go for as long as I did.  I've been writing in a journal trying to.... I don't even know. 

Things with Jim were horrible for a while, and I guess they still are.  At this point I would just like to keep our friendship going but I'm not sure that is even possible anymore.  We fight pretty much every single day.  I'll be moving soon and after that, I doubt we'll see each other anymore.

Back in January, on the 29th, I had my final reconstruction surgery.  It went really well.  My plastic surgeon said I'm not a candidate for nipple reconstruction at this point, because of all of the damage from radiation.  The surgery was a bit longer than expected because she tried to clean up the damage. 

I may end up getting 3D nipple tattoos but I have to wait until I heal more from surgery.  So far thing look great and I finally got the okay to start exercising a few weeks ago!  I made it back to kickboxing last week.  It kicked my butt but I was SO happy to be there!

Jim had agreed to let me get through surgery before I had to move.  In February I really started looking.  I thought I found this one place, and was pretty much planning on moving there for March 1st but she ended up changing her mind on allowing pets.  That put me back to square one and I started looking again in early March.

Around that same time, I got a call from work followed by an email a couple of weeks later.  I had asked who I would be working for, what I would be doing and said that I would need to ease back into work, instead of going from 0 hours to 40 hours.  The response I got was that I would be in a department that required full time and since I said I could only work part time (those words never came out of my mouth), my last day of active employment would be considered February 28th, until I reported to work before then.  Oh yeah, and they asked for $5000 for my insurance premium that they had carried. 

I applied on Mass Health Connector, Obamacare.  When I called, they said it was 2-4 weeks but they were running a bit behind.  I called again towards the end of February, but I still didn't have any answers.  The first week in March I sent in my check for Cobra coverage for the month of March.  The check was for $570 for one month of insurance. 

Early the next week I got a letter from Mass Health Connector.  Since they were running so far behind in processing my application, I was automatically temporarily enrolled in Mass Health.... free premium, no copays for doctor visits and most prescriptions are not more than $3.65.  (I had 2 monthly prescriptions with $45 copays each!).

Immediately I called my bank and put a stop pay on the $570 for Cobra.  Between that and the 2 prescriptions that saved me $660 a MONTH!  That's HUGE!!!  So that was a good thing.  Bad that I no longer have an option to go back to work but I have coverage right now and I'm not paying a huge premium. 

As that was going on, I kept checking out apartments in early March. I found a couple of places that I really liked, one more than the other.  But they are both pretty expensive and the disability wouldn't cover the rent, utilities and my other bills along with it.  I would have been out of money before putting gas in my car or buying any groceries. 

Then I called my 401K to close it out.  I knew there really wouldn't be any other options.  Most apartments were going to cost me close to $1500 a month.  I would need either 2-3 months down to move in.  Almost $5000?  Plus when I moved in with Jim I got rid of SO much furniture.  I don't have a sofa or any living room furniture.  I don't even have a TV anymore (but Jim said he would give me one of his at least)

I did all the online request to close out one of my 401k's.  I know it isn't the best decision for me in the long term.  I got hit pretty hard on taxes and I know I could face a penalty too (depending on what my medical expenses end up being in 2014.)  It was going to take a while to get the money and ended up taking a few weeks.  I didn't want to apply for the apartments until I actually had that money in my account.  It deposited last Monday afternoon.

Jim and I were still fighting all the time.  It was horrible.  I was a mess.  I knew I needed to just clear my head.  I started looking at places online for somewhere I could go for a few days.  I looked at yoga places, then started looking in the Florida Keys for pet friendly places to bring Stella with me.  Then it hit me.... a have a friend who moved to Florida last summer. 

I sent my friend Debbie a message on Facebook Monday night around 9pm. 

That offer for a visit still open?  You have any room for a visit in the near future or do you have other visiting?  I need to go SOMEWHERE for a few days and clear my head.  If I could, I'd leave tomorrow!!  LOL!  Just overwhelmed with life I guess. 

She responded an hour later and our conversation that night was:

Debbie: Anytime!  Come on down.

Me: I'm not kidding.  Like I could try to find a flight down within the next week or so!  What airport?  And how far from the airport are you?

D: Jacksonville International Airport.  I'm less than 30 minutes from the airport.  Jetblue is direct.

The next morning it started again:

Me: Okay!  I'm gonna check out flights and my calendar.  :)  And I have to double check with Jim that he'll watch Stella and the cats.

Debbie: Alright let me know.

Then it moved on to text messaging:

M: I'm not kidding about coming down.  I don't want to screw any of your plans.  This weekend or next weekend better?  I was thinking land on a Thursday night and fly home Monday morning early?  What do you think?

D: Book your flight- come this weekend.  I will take Friday off. 

M: Are you serious?  I will!  I'll wait to book until we are on the phone.

D: Call me

D: Did you book the flight?

M: Give me 10 minutes.

D:  Yea! 

M: Just booked!  I'll forward you my flight details!

D: Yea!  Can't wait!!

SO I left Boston around noon last Thursday to fly down to Jacksonville Beach for a few days to stay with Debbie.  It was nice to be at the beach, in the sun and warm weather, and to have a chance to be away and clear my head. 

Jim was so angry that I was going away.  We had a HUGE fight on Tuesday night when I told him I was going away.  HUGE!  We were fighting until I left, and every conversation we had while I was away.  Then when I got home yesterday, we fought some more. 

Things are at a very bad place with him and I.  I know that at this point it is best for me to move out as soon as I can. 

I still have a ton of doctor appointments and follow up with each different type of oncologist plus my plastic surgeon.  Its crazy!  I have one today too.  (another story about that) Tomorrow I have a phone call scheduled about getting additional benefits.  I'm going to call the apartment to see if I can head up on Thursday for them to meet Stella and for me to do the whole application.  Who knows, I could be out this weekend.  I'm hoping for a slower move than that, but we'll see how things are.  I'm sick of the fighting.  I can't do it anymore. 

Right now I'm sad that the relationship didn't survive cancer.  He gave up on me.  I moved in as I was being diagnosed.  I was a wreck.  My emotions were everywhere.  Then I had surgery, started chemo, lost my hair, lost friends, gained weight, lost my confidence, had side effects, started radiation, had another surgery, gained more weight.  Jim broke up with me.  Then I had another surgery. 

He waiting until I was done with treatment, then broke up with me.  He had enough.  He couldn't do it.  He was in care taker role too long and we never got past that.  He never gave me a chance to start to get back to me again, to gain my confidence, to exercise and to find myself.  He just gave up.  That hurts so much. 

He was my rock.  He was the one person who was ALWAYS there for me during all of it.  Friends let me down and left, but Jim was by my side.  He buzzed my head and colored my hair.  He emptied the drains for 2 different surgeries.  He took care of me in every single sense of the word.  He was my best friend and the one person in this world who I thought really really had my back. 

I love him with everything I have.  I still do.  I don't know how to shut that off.  Some days I wish I could.  It is a complete and unconditional love that I never imagined I could feel.  He knows that.  He knows how much I love him.

He tells me still that he loves me and that I'm his best friend (in between our fights).  He just doesn't feel it anymore.  I'm so confused about the way he acts and the things he says.  Some days he's an asshole, but then he lays with his arms around me, telling me he loves me and that he's going to have a really hard time when I move.  WTF!  Talk about mixed signals! 

He says it kills him because he knows how much I love him.  That I am a great person and the nicest person he knows.  I am his best friend.  But he needs space and this is all too much for him.  But he loves me and he wants us to still spend time together.  And who knows what the future holds.  And blah blah blah blah blah! 

At this point, I have to do what's best for me.  That's why I wanted to get away for a few days.  I wanted to clear my head and figure out how I was feeling, away from Jim. 

I want to finish my credits to renew my group fitness certification.  I want to then go for my Health Coach Certification.  I want to live in the apartment that is my top choice, the old converted mill with 16 foot ceilings and 12 foot windows, and a gym with a climbing wall and yoga studio and a roof deck on the building plus a fenced in area for dogs.  I want to exercise again and gain back my strength, energy and focus.  I want to gain confidence again and believe in myself again.  I want to like who I am again.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.  I want to laugh and be happy and have fun. 

Now its time for me to move forward.  I am moving in a new direction now.  I have absolutely no idea what my life will look like in 2 months from now.  None.  That scares the hell out of me!  But I'm doing it anyway.  I have no choice, but I am still choosing to be okay with it. 

While I was sitting on the beach on Friday, I pulled out my journal.  I started writing about how I was feeling.  I had been tossed around in life, like the shells along the beach in the tide with waves.  As waves hit, it would spin the shells in every direction, but eventually the shells landed softly and safely on the sand as the waves receded. 

That night I was out with Debbie doing a little shopping and checking out the sites.  I told her I wanted to buy something nice for myself, jewelry, to symbolize moving forward in my life.  A little while later, we happened to pass a Kay's Jewelry store and I asked Debbie if we could head in and take a peak. 

Kay's sells the "Open Hearts" collection.  I didn't know but they added another collection with it.  After seeing a necklace, reading a bit about it, I decided on one and bought it.  I loved the meaning and symbolizing. 

Then it hit me!  I had completely forgotten about what I had written about during the day at the beach.  The waves and the shells and the tide.  How it all related to my life.  I had tears in my eyes when I put it all together!!! 

The necklace I bought for myself was one of the "Waves collection".  It has little tiny sapphire and diamond chips swirling around in a dime size pendent. 

The open hearts waves collection has this description in their catalog by Jane Seymore:

"Life is like a wave- continuously building, cresting and releasing... always allowing for learning, connecting and revival.  The journey of an Open Heart is to welcome the waves with infinite possibilities for renewal, change and growth."

I thought that was the perfect thing to represent me moving forward in a new unknown direction in my life.