Worst Case

I read something online the other day that originally came from a private facebook group for survivors.  The question was asked, "how long does it take before I jump to worst case whenever anything happens?"  Good question.  I know I'm not there yet. 

A little while ago I looked down at my right hand and it was swollen.  Great.  Lymphedema again.  After looking further up my arm, I have a weird pea sized bump.  Inside my arm, near where they take blood, but about an inch down my forearm, sort of in a vein.  Awesome.  I have an appointment today for a massage at Dana Farber's integrative therapies, so I'll have it checked out then.  But its still scary. 

On top of the little bumps or bruises that could easily end up being something normal, there are the stories I hear.  A friend I met at a conference last fall, who did chemo first, then surgery in early January.  She was half way through radiation when more cancer was discovered in her liver. 

She is a few years older than me, married with 2 young boys under 5.  She has this wonderful family who loves her so much.  Why?  Why more aggressive cancer spreading?  That's not right and its not fair!  And its SO scary.

It could be me.  Why isn't it me?  I'm not married.  I don't even have a boyfriend anymore.  I don't have any kids.  Why it is her? 

I don't have a job.  My boyfriend broke up with me.  I've lost touch with so many friends.  I'm struggling to figure things out in my life.  All I know is that right now I'm not happy with where I'm at. 

Why did I get through treatment to end up here?  What's so special about me? 

I hear about women my age, moms, with little kids who are depending on them, who have recurrences.  Why?  Why is cancer so aggressive in women my age? 

I know I have a high risk of recurrence, even with a bilateral mastectomy.  It had already spread to my lymph nodes by the time I had surgery.   Whenever anything happens, its hard to think it could be anything else.  Especially when I hear of others having things spread.