Even now, even after finishing chemo, I am still on a roller coaster ride. It isn't good days or bad days. Its more about good moments and not so good moments. Yesterday afternoon and last night, not so good.
I just started getting down about things again. And once that spiral starts, it can be really hard to stop it. The thing I hate the most is what this whole thing has done to my self esteem and confidence. SHATTERED it. I am still dealing with the fatigue and haven't lost a pound. I still have a hard time looking in the mirror. I don't like what I see looking back at me.
Being up 20 pounds is so hard. I feel like a fat slob. Toss in being bald and then the 3-4 inch scars across my nipple-less chest. I feel like a freak. I don't like to look at me so how can I expect anyone else to be okay with it. How can Jim? NOT a good road for me to go down.
When Jim left the house yesterday afternoon to pick up some parts for the car he was working on, I had myself a crazy ass pity party that paused for a bit but started up with fully gusto when I tried to go to sleep. SOBBING a few times yesterday. Sobbing.
Jim has been incredible. But this sucks for him. If I can't look at myself in the mirror, how can he possibly be attracted to me? How can he want this? I know he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he would have been happier and better off if I never moved in and put this on him. Then I feel selfish for putting him through all of this. Because I loved him and wanted this relationship, I moved in with him, but that wasn't fair to him. And I doubt that decision all the time.
I don't want to lose him and I am so happy he is in my life. He is my best friend. I have never been more ME with anyone than I am with him. I'm just an honest, true ME, no holding anything back at all. He is such a great person and I would do anything for him. Even let him go. And I think about it too much. Will we make it through this? Through the rest of my treatment? Will we be okay when radiation is over?
He thinks things will just go back to what they were before October 29th, that I will be back to me before October 29th. That's can't happen. I change. Going through breast cancer, surgery, chemo, all of this... it changed me. And because it changed ME, it changed us and our relationship. Just like I have a new normal, we have a new relationship. And sometimes I wonder if this what he wants. I hate doubting our relationship because of my own insecurities.
Today is National Survivors Day. I'm one of them now, a survivor. A cancer survivor.
Today I took a Stand Up Paddleboarding lesson with a couple of great friends, Christine and Jen. It was so much fun, even though the wind was strong and water was choppy. But I had a blast. Okay so I am absolutely EXHAUSTED but I had a good time. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. Even in the high 80's, the breeze was so nice I never got too hot. It was a great time.
After we stopped for lunch, I headed home and showered. Then I hung out and relaxed for a while. Jim and I went to the late afternoon movie where the have the best reclining seats. It feels like your at home on the sofa, kicking back! We had a nice time and it was fun to hang out and spend time with Jim.
SO, for National Survivors Day, I had a great time. I was out LIVING my life and I spent it with people I love and who I'm so happy that they are in my life.
Today was a good day. I think the highs much more than down times.
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