Fatigue

Yes, it has been a  since I have last written.   The fatigue I have been experiencing has been so overwhelming.  The only reason I am writing now is because my new Kindle that Jim won has Swype typing on it.  Right now I am laying in bed.  It it's almost 11:30am.

Radiation started a week ago yesterday  Even before that I has realized that being out for 2-3 hours, a couple if days in a row is too much for me.  I would get home and nap.  Now I do that every day.  After sleeping 11 hours Sunday night, I had radiation yesterday then met with my friend Lauren, the photographer,to do more pictures.  I was out of the house, door to door, for under 5 hours.  I came home and took a two hour nap!  I was exhausted and all I did was sit around.

I haven't had the energy to do much of anything lately.  That has been so frustrating. I haven't exercised, haven't taken Rocco for a walk, haven't really done much of anything in weeks.  I miss having energy for anything, for life.  That has been really hard on me.

Even more recently, during chemo but before the fatigue was THIS bad, I have had friends say things about how I plan different things for us and if it wasn't for me planning, then things wouldn't happen.  Now I am sleeping too much to plan anything.  That sucks.

I am so grateful for my friend Debbie from work.  She plans when we meet for lunch every week or two. Hound isn't the right word, but she makes sure it happens.

My friend Melissa is the same way.  We typically get together every 2-3 weeks purely because of her persistence in planning.  I appreciate it so much.  I always have a great time when we get together. It wouldn't happen if it wasn't for Melissa.

Other than Jim and doctors, I see Debbie and Melissa more than anyone else.  I don't have the energy to plan anymore.   I know people are busy, but it's hard feeling left out if things I was once a part of or seeing things friends do from Facebook, that I am no longer included in.

I felt for a while that there were some friendships I have been chasing down.  I don't have the energy or desire to chase anyone anymore. My phone number hasn't changed.  My email hasn't changed.  My address hasn't changed. If anyone wanted to connect or connect with me, that person would know how.

There have been people I have thought about, friends who I would love to see again or talk to, but it has gotten depressing when the only contact is as response, nothing more.  The more fatigued I am, the harder it is for me to reach out.  This is when I need the contact more and more, but I have gotten it less and less.

Sometimes I think about running away.  Once I'm done with treatment, just running away, starting completely over.  Making  fresh start and a new life somewhere new with new people and new everything.

I'm tired of being tired.  This level of fatigue isn't something more sleep or rest will fix. This is chemo fatigue that can and most likely last another few months or even longer. This is my life now.

I am so so grateful for everyone who has been there for me.  More than words can say. I guess it's sad that the loss of people in my life, especially from those who I thought would be here the most, is something very common.  All the cancer forums I am on, that's a common theme, the MIA friends and lost friendships.

I guess some people just  handle cancer.  Some people can't handle the emotional roller coaster cancer brings. Some people are "good times" friends but don't want in when the going gets too tough. Some people might  think it's too much work or effort to to someone who right now has so little to give back.  Some people might not be strong enough to deal with the reality that she could be the next one with cancer.

I don't know the reasons for the MIA friends.  I just know how grateful that I am for the friends who have stuck around and who have put in the effort.

There are  no words to express how much you, your support, your effort, persistence, and your friendship mean to me.
Thank you.